I think I want to blog in English today for no special reason, despite having the thought that I will only do so when I'm feeling very very sad and discouraged because of the happenings in my life. For the past few weeks I do experienced some downs that gave me an urge to express my dissatisfaction towards people and matters, but when I turned on my laptop I stopped myself from coming here to make a big fuss. Yes I need to manage my emotion recently, to a great extent.
I thought it was the usual pre-menstrual symptoms that I'm experiencing, throwing a tantrum to people around us, especially to my family, would be a natural and common thing to do. But, things got a bit worse after period ended. I get impatient easily and even has no control of my words and actions. Rude ones, which I believe at that moment I feel irresistable to act in that way but while cooling off, I felt bad and remorsed. I'm too hesitated to apologise for my stupid actions because I'm not the kind of person who express my emotions to others easily. I don't say 'I love you' to my family easily. Friends, maybe once in a while. Too shy or what, honestly I just can't bring myself to such intimate actions towards my family. I used to hug and kiss them, when I was a little kid. But I'm a nineteen year old today. Things changes.
It could be due to my current relaxing and slow-paced life? In the past I was too busy for tutorials and exams, hence no time to be angry at all as my attention was all concentrated in my studies. Now, just by taking up a part time job that requires me to commit for about three days a week, I actually still have plenty of time which I always spent idling. I had an idea of taking up another part time job, but I was afraid the timetable may not complement to my main part time job. I wanted to set up a business, like opening an online accessories shop, yet I had a hard time finding the small pieces which enables me to DIY as my creative juice flows. (I wished I knew how to make the metal pendants etc that are unique to myself.) I thought of picking up a new hobby, learning new language, going back for my guitar which I have not been playing for 6 years. The last time I played was as a guitar member (beginner only) in primary school. I wanted to learn some songs by piano on my own. I wanted to know the cosmetics and make my appearance a little bit more mature and lady-like. I wanted myself to know the things my friends knew which I don't. There were so many, still I could not bring myself to do it once, at least, seriously and persevere through. Hmmm, but to ponder over, if I really have the passion for something, I wouldn't care so much about all the setbacks yeah? I haven't found it.
Maybe to some I worried and feared too much. Maybe it is true. Like yesterday, I had a road trip with jc friends to Legoland. I didn't take many rides. Height and water. Phobia. I don't know why I am so afraid. For a few I even backed out the very last minute, and seeing their disappointed faces, I really don't know what to do. Going for it seems putting my life at risk, I thought I would not survive after that. I was scared, of everything. At every roller coaster ride there will be part of the path where it got us feeling the adrenaline rush. But at that point of time I only wish the ride would end soon, others hope for another round. It's so different. Why didn't I have the courage that others have? Why am I such a scaredy-cat? I'm too afraid of letting go of myself.. when will I cross that boundary I've set myself in? Will there be someone to help me with this? Should I have the person to be there with me to face this together?
Too much fear really doesn't bring me to somewhere I should be going. Embrace it? One day, I hope..
留言列表
